I’ve been in a bit of a slump for a while, and more days than not, it feels
like my life has been under a massive pile of ashes. These ashes are the
product of my past and a bit of my present. I cannot use the pandemic as an
excuse because my downward spiral began well before Covid 19. I have looked for
answers in all directions and usually end up with more questions and
frustrations. Examining my daily roles and actions, I try to find that “something”
that will pull me out of the drab place and give me back my spirit, my energy,
my smile. Searching and researching have become exhausting, and I never really
know what I am looking to discover. I’m stuck and unhappy but not depressed.
I have gone the medical route and explored the possibility of the most
likely issue, depression. That adventure turned up a whole lot of (things to
try at home) but not depression. I am now grateful for Yoga, meditation, and
quiet walks, as each has become a valuable part of my life, but it’s not
enough. There is something more, and I try to find it every day. Friends and
family always have recommendations like supplements, diets, or acupuncture.
I will admit to giving these ideas a try and realizing they are not the fix. It’s
in me, in my personal DNA, and even as a woman of faith, I am at a loss. The
idea that I will always be this way is not alright with me.
Recently, I have done some severe reevaluating of every area and relation of my life and have come to a possible conclusion. I’m stuck because I’m scared to be my true self. I have been in the same administrative job for almost twelve years, and what I do and who I am in that position couldn’t be further from my authentic self. I am, at my core being a creative person. I love to write, and I have dreamed of becoming a writer for longer than I can remember. I have a degree in Communication, and I’ve done nothing with that gift. I made one small, failed attempt at writing and self-publishing a book, and it went down the toilet faster than I could flush. My view is that I’m stuck because I haven’t the courage to be anything other than an administrative specialist.
I want to write things that make people smile and provoke positive thought. I dream of traveling and seeing places and having experiences I never believed possible for an introvert like me. I don’t want to seem ungrateful for my job. It pays the bills, and who doesn’t need benefits and job security, right? I find myself asking more and more often, though at what cost? Just how high is the price tag on the paycheck-to-paycheck life? I don’t want to be stuck in an unfulfilling life simply because it pays the bills. We all work hard and do our best for those we love, but we deserve to be happy too. I want to be happy; I want to travel, I want to write, and I want to laugh again just because I can.
Maybe all this venting sounds completely selfish and childish. I’m sure that the right thing for me to do financially is to stay put, do my job efficiently, and remain thankful for all I do have in life. It is the right thing to do, and those around me benefit from my being grateful and responsible. I only wish somehow there was a place in my life for me where I fit and find purpose. Perhaps someday, one door will close, and another will open, and my life will feel a little more like home and less like a pile of ashes. Thanks for listening 🙂